“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
~ Brene Brown
To continue with the theme of “asking the right questions” in healing the divided self, I address question number nine in today’s blog:
How do you express your authentic self in different areas of your life such as work, relationships, and personal interests?
The topic of being authentic has become somewhat of a meme in this era of social media sound bites posted by the purported expertise of many ‘influencers’.
What has shaped this wildly popular idea that so many folks are NOT being authentically themselves? Is it true? And if this rings true for you, then what propelled you toward being someone slightly or maybe completely left of the center where your essential nature lives?
Children under the age of five who are not living in a traumatic home environment are uniquely expressive and enlivened in ways that align with their true nature. They speak, sing, dance, explore, and are engaged with and enchanted by life in myriad ways.
However, attachment trumps authenticity. The psychological term for the emotional bond that we need as a child more than anything else is called attachment. Over time kids learn what is expected of them to stay securely attached to their caregivers, how to belong and fit into their family of origin, the original tribe. As that happens, slowly but surely, they can become more disconnected from their essential nature, i.e., their authentic self, in exchange for being loved, protected accepted, and a sense of belonging to their familiars.
If this continues and it becomes the norm to be living out of alignment with who we are authentically, symptoms can emerge and manifest as depression, apathy, ennui, confusion, addiction, dissociation – to name a few. The wisdom writings of Henry David Thoreau states this haunting reality: “The mass of humans lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still inside”.
It is common for a disproportionate relationship to develop between our sense of being energetically and emotionally expansive versus diminished and contracted. Do you still feel enchanted and enlivened by the possibilities in life? Or, over the years have you felt increasingly exhausted, dispirited, uninterested, and find you are just going through the motions?
The spiritual teacher Howard Thurman wrote “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive”.
The barometer for living authentically is not straying too far from that feeling of aliveness, possibility, curiosity, creative expression, and the ability to engage from a place of truth and optimism.
Ways to express authentically in the different areas of life cover a broad terrain:
Work: Many people discover that their work needs to align with their values and ethics, in addition to what they are innately skilled at doing. I have talked to many individuals at midlife who are realizing they NEVER wanted to become an accountant, or a lawyer, or a doctor, etc. They had mistakenly followed the goals of family or friends and tried to live up to expectations others held for them. The ‘midlife crisis’ is often a stark awakening to having lived inauthentically to please others or to continue to belong to the original tribe.
Relationships: Authenticity in relationships demands the willingness to show vulnerability, imperfection, to share hopes, dreams, and feelings without fear of judgment. So many relationships are grounded in codependency because people learn to manage other people’s emotional needs and discount their own. Learning healthy boundaries and evolving to tolerate differences in people fosters the ability to show up authentically in relationships.
Personal Interests: It is important to pursue interests and hobbies that are inspiring and expand us creatively. Dorothy Parker wrote “the cure for boredom is curiosity”. When we are curious about what there is to learn, to experience, to grow from, and to share we will almost always find interests and interesting things in life to pursue. The phrase that almost always rings true is ‘interested people are interesting people’. No matter what your childhood experience was and how you got here today, know that you have always and still have a core of authenticity within you that’s untouched. There’s a part of your interior landscape that can never be altered. That energy is your essence. No one can change your essence. It is never too late to disencumber yourself from everything you have been carrying that has concealed your essential nature, your authenticity.