“Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.”
~ Gloria Steinem
The topic for today’s blog, based on Question #4 from the “Ten Questions,” is about how our relationships enhance or detract from our experience of becoming more psychologically whole.
What role do relationships play in your understanding of psychological wholeness, and how do they influence your sense of self?
How we relate to ourselves is the key driver for the health and well-being of all our other relationships. A rupture in connection with ourselves often gets projected onto someone else, with the mistaken belief that a safe and positive connection with the ‘other’ will somehow magically fix the disconnect we feel with ourselves.
Secure attachment is the foundation for healthy and fulfilling relationships. It refers to a deep sense of trust, emotional connection, and safety between individuals. This is a reciprocal dynamic: when we learn to align with our authentic nature, trust our deepest instincts and intuition, and repair any lost emotional connection to ourselves, we are better able to form secure attachments with others.
Decades of research have revealed there are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
In childhood, secure attachment means that the child has consistent, safe access to at least one caregiver to whom they can bring their whole self-experience—good or bad, happy or sad, trusting or afraid, succeeding or failing—without the threat of being attacked, shamed, or abandoned.
When this is missing during the formative years of childhood, the child will naturally compensate. Depending on their temperament, they may learn to cope with the lack of secure attachment by dismissing and avoiding vulnerable states or by becoming hyper-anxious and preoccupied with vulnerability.
It is important to recognize that attachment styles are shaped by early life experiences, but they can be modified and developed throughout adulthood.
Many of us have been heavily influenced by cultural memes that perpetuate the myth of being incomplete unless we find our “other half,” the knight or princess who will make us whole.
The implication is that psychological wholeness cannot be experienced unless it is through a relationship with another. When we enter a relationship from a place of feeling broken or insufficient, we place an unrealistic expectation on the other person to heal our wounds or make us feel whole. This never works and often leads to feelings of resentment and burden for the one who carries this projection.
In summary, healthy relationships are essential for learning to co-regulate and bond in partnership. This broadens our understanding and respect for both the differences and similarities between people, which, in turn, expands us psychologically. However, the ability to experience healthy relationships with others rests on our capacity to cultivate and expand our relationship with ourselves.
Are you able to accept all of your states, stay open to the multifaceted parts of your ‘inner family,’ and be present with yourself when you are happy or sad, trusting or afraid, succeeding or failing—without attacking, shaming, or abandoning yourself?
When we learn to repair the disconnect from our deepest nature, we begin to restore lost pieces and places in ourselves, bringing us closer to psychological wholeness.