“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order”
~ Anne Wilson Schaef
Today’s blog explores Question #5 from the “Ten Questions”:
How do you cultivate self-acceptance and self-compassion in your daily life?
There is a wide body of psychological research on self-compassion pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas. Data clearly shows that the best way to reach your goals and find contentment in life is to talk to yourself like a mentor. A mentor is on your side, inspiring and motivating you to follow the vision you have for yourself and your life.
However, it is much more common for people to listen to their self-critic, which is often driven by a toxic perfectionist complex. This frequently originates in childhood when well-meaning parents or caregivers project their own unmet goals, dreams, and self-critical complexes onto their children.
When Sharon Salzberg, meditation teacher and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA, asked the Dalai Lama about the prevalent cycle of self-judgment, guilt, and unproductive thought patterns so common in Western cultures, he replied, “How could you think of yourself that way?” and explained that we all have “Buddha Nature.”
Buddha Nature is loosely a metaphor for living undivided within oneself, experiencing a wholeness of being.
When we view ourselves as a problem, our reptilian brain kicks in and launches an attack, creating a compulsive repetitive loop in our thought process. Because these grooves are cut so deeply into our brains, we must become very intentional in moving into a more constructive way to see, refer to, and talk to ourselves.
The internal critic, judge, shaming-blaming pattern is a mental construct that is learned—a type of false self—and keeps you from knowing your True Self.
Dr. Charles Whitfield, author of Healing the Child Within, writes:
“Our True Self is spontaneous, creative, expansive, loving, giving, and communicating. Our True Self accepts ourselves and others. It feels fully, whether the feelings are joyful or painful. It expresses those feelings. Our True Self accepts our feelings without judgment or fear and allows them to exist as a valid way of assessing and appreciating life’s events. It can be childlike in the highest, most mature, and evolved sense of the word. It needs to play and have fun. And yet it is vulnerable, perhaps because it is so open and trusting. It surrenders to itself, to others, and ultimately to the Universe. And yet it is powerful in the true sense of power. It is healthily self-indulgent, taking pleasure in receiving and being nurtured.
Intuitively, our True Self is always exploring and expressing creatively, very connected to imagination and artistic demonstration. It is also open to that vast and mysterious part of ourselves we call our unconscious. It pays attention to the messages we receive daily from the unconscious, such as dreams, struggles, and illness. By being real, it is free to grow. And while our false self forgets, our True Self remembers our oneness with others and the Universe.”
We all have the opportunity to detach and disidentify from the cold, judgmental self-critic and open the door to a new relationship with an aspect of ourselves that is a kind and supportive mentor. Our inner mentor comes from a place of wider perspective and wisdom, not from fear, scarcity, lack, or self-doubt. With consistency and time, this relationship deepens and grows, and new neural pathways become prominent, so ultimately, the automatic self-negating identity fades into the past.